The Power Hidden in How You Talk About Yourself: Why Small Changes Change Everything

By Jenn Trepeck, Health and Lifestyle Coach

(small.news) — I have always paid close attention to the words people use. Maybe this awareness came from having a writing tutor who taught me to choose my words carefully in every paper.

As I grew up, and particularly in my work as a health and lifestyle coach steeped in personal development, I started to better understand the significant impact of language. The words we use shape our self-perception, and this perception ultimately drives not just how others see us, but the results we achieve.

One of the most significant distinctions I’ve noticed is between saying “I am” vs. “I have.” At first glance, this may not seem like much of a difference. But, in practice, these two phrases can completely change how we approach challenges.

When we say, “I am,” we are making statements about our identity. They have a sense of permanence, of absoluteness. On the other hand, when we say, “I have,” we’re describing a condition, situation, or circumstance—something temporary and, most importantly, changeable. Although this difference seems subtle in the moment, it’s powerful.

Health, Business, and Leadership

I hear it all the time from my clients. When people first come to me, they say “I am overweight” or “I am diabetic.” Their doctors and physicians say it to them, so of course that’s what they say! Once we start working together, we adjust the language. They say, “I have excess weight” or “I have diabetes,” which separates themselves from the condition. The first phrasing makes it part of who they are, while the second frames it as a challenge they are facing.

What we believe to be part of our identity is much harder to change than something that’s existing in our current circumstance. While this may be a bit of a tangent, notice that there are other disease states in which the language is different… you’ve probably never heard someone say “I am cancer” or “I am a broken leg.” And consider what happens in many of those scenarios.

As small business owners, it’s all too much the same. How often do we hear small business owners say, “I am broke” or “I am a mess”? When the language frames it as who we are, the implied permanence creates another mountain to climb and a potentially hopeless feeling.

What if, instead, we said “I have a cash flow issue” or “I have a challenge with my marketing”? Now there’s something we can work on. Problems can be solved, we can enlist support, ask questions, and frankly, keep moving forward.

Leaders fall into this trap, too. A manager might say, “I am a bad communicator.” Rather, if they say, “I have a gap in my communication skills,” they’ve framed it as something they can improve with training and practice.

When we think about adjusting this language and how it’s received by others, we see it’s powerful. Which makes me think about how we talk to ourselves, not just about ourselves.

Affirmations

The idea of talking to ourselves requires the exact same tweak, from “I am” to “I have.” And that also makes me think about affirmations. It turns out, for affirmations to be effective, our conscious minds must believe them. This is where I see so many people struggle.

One friend shared a story with me. He said, “Affirmations, OK! I am a millionaire.” Then, he shared that his mind’s eye went right to his bank balance that was clearly not a million dollars, and his brain said “No you’re not, you’re not even buying new sneakers and yours are worn out!” We discussed how, yes, while the subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between truism and falsehood, in order for something to program/re-program the subconscious mind, it has to bypass the conscious mind.

How do we do that? Well, meditation can be helpful. Listening to affirmations while you sleep is another option. And potentially even better is to write affirmation the conscious mind believes.

For my friend, we worked together to change his to “I am on my way to becoming a millionaire,” and “I am a billionaire in the making.” With my health and lifestyle coaching clients, we say, “I am getting healthier every day,” or “I have the power to reclaim my health.” These small adjustments make the statement believable so it can truly propel us forward.

Visualization

Finally, visualization is another powerful tool that plays into this idea of how to talk about and to ourselves. By visualizing our desired outcomes, whether it’s making healthier choices or giving a flawless presentation that lands the investor, we can amplify the power of the visualization with similar adjustments.

When you imagine yourself walking to the front of the room, or closing the Zoom meeting after absolutely nailing it, it helps because it’s a mental rehearsal and the brain doesn’t know the difference between reality and imagination. If it sounds woo-woo, it’s not; it works with the Reticular Activating System, neural pathways, and the motor cortex of the brain.

To level up, some experts argue it’s more effective to visualize in the first person, where we see what’s around us and what we are doing as opposed to visualizing in the third person, watching ourselves do the things.

This may activate muscles more powerfully and helps make the action we visualize more consistent and believable. It’s actually this mechanism at play when we see visualization helping patients recover from injury, stroke, and the like, requiring physical rehabilitation.

Awareness into Action

So where do we go from here? How do you make this work for you? Here’s an idea (or a challenge or dare if that better ignites you). For the next twenty-four hours, pay attention to every time you say, “I am.” It might look like “I’m stressed” or “I’m tired.”

Your awareness of how often you make a statement that you don’t want as part of your identity is tremendous. Next, when you’re ready, rephrase the statement. Say “I have a lot on my plate today,” or “I have a budgeting challenge to resolve.”

This practice will start to infiltrate every aspect of your life. It retrains your self-talk. The more you catch yourself and reframe, the more your brain begins to separate who you are from what you’re experiencing. Pairing these reframes with affirmations and visualization can truly take your life and business to the next level.

Finally, when you notice yourself making these changes, share them with others. Post a story about your favorite reframe on social media and tag me, @JennTrepeck. You might be surprised how many people resonate with your shift and how much lighter you feel when you distinguish between your circumstances and your identity.

Because at the end of the day, you are not defined by your challenges. You are defined by the life and legacy you choose to create.

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